Here’s some more bad news: the worst is yet to come. Late August and early September is a cinematic Sahara rivaled only by April, which is all post-Oscar, presummer junk. This time of year, everyone’s in transit–returning to school, on family vacation, passing into the hereafter after too many terrible summer movies.
There is, however, one redeeming feature about strolling into the local cineplex this weekend. Well, two: the air conditioning is nice. The other is the trailers–those brief, teasing snips that movie studios provide of the (hopefully) really good movies they’ve got coming out this fall. So rather than review the actual movies coming out in the next month, I decided to review the trailers attached to them.
I have evaluated all of them in two ways: first, I have given each a raw 1-to-10 score for its quality as a trailer; second, I guessed Whether The Movie Will Be Better Than The Trailer, Worse or About The Same (or, “WTMWBBTTT,WOATS” for short). The reason for the dual methodology: sometimes great trailers draw you to God-awful movies, and occasionally the lifeless ones obscure what turns out to be a terrific film. Generally, the trailer has little relation to the quality of the actual movie. And so, with the following as a guide, get yourself to the movie theater! And then leave before the movie starts.
“Riding In Cars With Boys” (Release date: 10/19, Sony)
SYNOPSIS: Boy-crazy high-schooler in the 1960s gets pregnant, becomes a single mom, then overcomes prejudice and adversity thanks to the triumph of the human spirit.
THE TRAILER: Sure, Drew Barrymore is cute, but have you ever noticed how she overdoes all of her expressions? She’s like that amp in “Spinal Tap”: her emotional scale goes to 11. Drew laughs, Drew cries, Drew screams at her mom, Drew dukes it out with her boyfriend. Then Drew sniffles to someone (we don’t see who), “Do you know what it’s like to have a dream?” That “Ooh, child, things are gonna get easier” song plays in the background. Basically, I hated every second. This movie’s gonna be a huge hit. Maybe even an Oscar nomination for Drew.
GRADE: 1
WTMWBBTTT,WOATS: Worse
“Monsters, Inc.” (Release date: 11/2, Pixar/Disney)
SYNOPSIS: From the makers of “Toy Story” and “Toy Story 2,” a computer-animated tale about monsters underneath the bed who, it turns out, are terrified of children.
THE TRAILER: Hilarious. Fast, witty, wildly imaginative, marvelously animated. Even that smoked ham Billy Crystal sounds funny and fresh. (If Crystal’s name alone makes you groan, remember what Pixar’s Midas touch did for Tim Allen in “Toy Story.”) The trailer does raise a couple concerns, though. (1) This one isn’t directed by John Lasseter, who did both “Toy Story” films and “A Bug’s Life.” He only serves as producer here. (2) The film could turn out to be a one-joke pony. The conceit is inspired, but the trailer doesn’t reveal any of the story; maybe that’s because there really isn’t one? We’ll see. But one thing this trailer guarantees: we’ll definitely see it.
GRADE: 8
WTMWBBTTT,WOATS: About the same
“The One” (Release date: 11/2, Sony)
SYNOPSIS: Martial arts superstar Jet Li plays the good guy and the bad guy in this sci-fi thriller about an average Joe who has to save the world or something.
THE TRAILER: First, the execs behind this trailer missed rule 13.7.b of crafting a coming attraction: never ask a question that audience members can’t even to begin to answer. Like “The One’s” opening gambit. “What if there was a killer traveling through parallel universes–and he looked just like you?” Um, I don’t know. Then, the clip shows us Bad Jet first–and frankly, the baby-faced, hush-voiced dervish is not a very convincing psychopath. But finally, at the very end, comes a glimpse the movie’s raison d’etre: Bad Jet and Good Jet will face off in a rumble for the ages. Personally, this is all I needed to know. See you in November.
GRADE: 4
WTMWBBTTT,WOATS: Better
“Shallow Hal” (Release date: 11/9, Fox)
SYNOPSIS: Creep who cares only about looks gets zapped and sees nothing but a woman’s inner beauty; his new girlfriend is as big as a house–but he thinks she looks like Gwyneth Paltrow.
THE TRAILER: This is a Farrelly Brothers movie … but is it a Farrelly Brothers movie (“There’s Something About Mary”) or a Farrelly Brothers movie (“Kingpin”)? The trailer is cause for hope. Paltrow looks sweet and winning; her costar, big-name-to-be Jack Black, looks back in “High Fidelity” form. And the sight-gags–especially a huge Paltrow doing a cannonball into a pool and putting a little kid in a nearby tree–are on the funny side of tasteless.
GRADE: 7
WTMWBBTTT,WOATS: About the same
“Windtalkers” (Release date: 11/9, MGM)
SYNOPSIS: In the Pacific theater of World War II, a soldier (Nicholas Cage) is charged with protecting a Navajo codetalker–and killing him if he falls into enemy hands.
THE TRAILER: A plodding, paint-by-numbers trailer–too bad, because this film has a strong selling point: it’s the first drama by action maestro John Woo (“Face/Off,” “M:I-2”). But the preview’s a dog. For much of it, we get a high-ranking military officer laying out Cage’s mission (and hence, rather clumsily, the film’s plot) very, very s-l-o-w-l-y. It’s not a complicated mission, but I still expected the guy to turn to the camera and say, “OK, any questions?” Next comes a pastiche of war imagery, but does MGM think we haven’t seen “Saving Private Ryan”? It also feels like there’s something missing from this trailer … what was it again? … Oh, yeah, the windtalker. There’s a shot or two of some dark-skinned dude, but he’s never identified as our man, nor does he speak in the trailer, nor does the actor get any billing. At least there’s a heroic white man to root for.
GRADE: 3
WTMWBBTTT,WOATS: Better
“Spy Game” (Release date: 11/16, Universal) SYNOPSIS: Hot-shot young espionage agent (Brad Pitt) learns the ropes from the wise old veteran (Robert Redford).
THE TRAILER: This trailer gets off to a great start: Jimi Hendrix’s “Freedom” in the background and some stylishly grainy camerawork give the film a fast, loose, “Three Kings”-ish feel. And it’s fun watching Pitt size up Redford: “Low IQ, lousy hygiene, terrible with the ladies.” They’re a smart pairing–a sandy-haired heartthrob changing-of-the-guard. But the more trailer reveals, the more this looks like a movie we’ve seen before. Pitt defying Redford’s orders, Pitt falling for a young woman who spells trouble, the duo teaming up to save someone or something, yada yada yada.
GRADE: 6
WTMWBBTTT,WOATS: Worse
“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” (Release date: 11/26, Warner Bros.)
SYNOPSIS: Young boy with a lightning bolt scar gets … oh, forget it, you know what this is about.
THE TRAILER: OK, deep breath. I’m a huge Harry Potter fan, I’ve read all four books, I even waited outside Barnes & Noble at midnight to buy “Goblet of Fire” (No. 4) as early as possible. And when Warner Bros. announced that Chris Columbus, the sugar-coated hack behind “Home Alone” and “Bicentennial Man” would direct the first movie, I nearly cried. The decision made the studio’s intentions clear: they wanted a safe, simple, kid-friendly adaptation. They didn’t want genius; they wanted a sure thing. So I’m left to dream of the masterpiece Terry Gilliam would’ve made, or even the dazzling-but-shallow interpretation Steven Spielberg could’ve dreamed up in his sleep. All of this is a long way of saying that I’m a little bitter, so I might be more critical than is entirely fair.
OK, another deep breath. The trailer is … fine. Harry seems well cast, Alan Rickman is perfect as Snape. Hermione’s a little too cute and Dumbledore’s a little too crusty, but it’s nothing offensive. The Golden Snitch (it’s a Quidditch thing; ask someone) is a bull’s-eye. Shots of floating candles and moving staircases are charming and hint at goodies to come. But the whole thing looks, well, obvious. Hogwarts–the wizardry school where the story takes place–looks exactly like you and I probably imagine … which is precisely the problem. It should look better than we can possibly imagine, because we are not visionaire filmmakers. Harry Potter deserved one and judging by this trailer, as I feared, Chris Columbus ain’t it.
GRADE: 5
WTMWBBTTT,WOATS: Better, God willing
“Ali” (Release date: 12/7, Sony)
SYNOPSIS: The long-awaited biography starring Will Smith as boxing legend Muhammad Ali.
THE TRAILER: Wow. The first few frames–gorgeously composed blue-tinted shots of Ali’s back, torso and fist in a shower of water, set to moody Mideastern chants–make quite a statement: this is not a boxing movie, nor will we be seeing a pat presentation of the Ali myth. Director Michael Mann (“The Insider,” “Heat”) is one of the smartest, most inventive filmmakers alive; this could be his home run. A word about Smith: his Ali vocal impression is dead-on and, somehow, miraculously, his head seems to have gotten rounder, making him look (in some shots) uncannily like his subject. I’m going to deduct one point for the Russian constructivist-style block lettering of “Ali” in the credits–it just doesn’t match the material. But if the sole purpose of a trailer is to get you excited for the movie, well, they threw a perfect hook.
GRADE: 9
WTMWBBTTT,WOATS: About the same
