“I’m really upset right now and I need to take a break to cool down. Can we come back to this in an hour?” “I don’t think we’re in the right frame of mind to have this conversation right now. Let’s sleep on it and talk about it tomorrow. ”
As an example: “I’m mad because you didn’t salt the walkway even though I asked you to do it. I had to carry in the baby, and if I’d slipped and fallen, we both could have gotten hurt. " Monitor your voice and body language; these will influence how your spouse reacts. If you catch yourself raising your voice, stop. Take a deep breath, or excuse yourself to calm down. [9] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
For example, “I’m angry because you invited your mom over” isn’t very clear. “I’m angry because you invited your mom over, even though she insults me in front of you” communicates the underlying problem.
For instance, you could say, “I’m really hurt that you invited your mom over. She’s made it very clear she doesn’t like me, and when you invite her to family events, I feel like you don’t really care how she treats me. " If your spouse did something that upset you, talk about the behavior, rather than your spouse. For instance, instead of, “You’re disrespectful”, say, “I feel really disrespected when I get home and you don’t look up from the TV. ”[12] X Research source All-or-nothing language, like “I always” or “You never”, can make your spouse feel shut down. Try to avoid these phrases. [13] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
You don’t need to tolerate unkindness from your spouse, either. Set boundaries if need be: “Please treat me with respect. If you call me names, I’ll have to end the conversation until we’re both calm. ”
For instance, maybe your spouse throws away food rather than keeping leftovers. Instead of assuming they’re wasteful, ask them why they do it. Maybe they just hadn’t thought to keep leftovers. Be patient and gentle; avoid accusatory questions. The difference between “I want to understand why you do this” and “Why do you keep doing this?” goes a long way. [17] X Research source
For instance, if your spouse says that they don’t like how close you are with a friend, don’t immediately jump to, “You’re being jealous and controlling”. Instead, ask why they’re concerned. If what they said struck a nerve, ask yourself why. Maybe you feel like you’re being hovered over, for instance, or know you’re in the wrong but don’t want to admit it. [20] X Research source
For instance, if you’re frustrated about how much your spouse spends on groceries, agree on a budget and look for coupons or discounts together. Or, if you’re mad because they never remember the chores, discuss putting up a chore list, building a routine, and setting reminders. That being said, don’t push a solution onto your spouse. Work together to find something that benefits you both. [22] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Remember to compromise. You don’t need to “win”. If you feel like you’re getting stuck on being “right” or getting the last word in, take a break from the discussion. [23] X Research source
Don’t say something like, “Sorry you feel that way” or “Sorry for all of that”. It’s a non-apology, and your spouse will feel blown off. [26] X Research source
Don’t dredge up the past or things that can’t be helped. There’s nothing you can do about those, and it doesn’t resolve what’s happening right now. [28] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
